Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote, “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”
Much of the pain we go through doesn't make sense.
Failing a test we thought we studied for, feeling alone or misunderstood for months or years, doing something for our faith that we thought was right but can find no solace in.
These times where we can not find the sense that seems to be promised to us.
There are a lot of incongruities, and it's often easy to think of life in terms of an equation. If you do this plus this, then this scenario is what should result. If I serve a mission, I will be blessed. If I pay my tithing, I will be blessed. If I join the church, I should be blessed. And certainly blessings do come from following the commandments, but often not in the ways we think which leaves us digging for some answer as to why things are.
I don't know about you, but as much as I've tried, my life will not fit into a box. It's so tempting to try to mark who the good and the bad are, to mark myself as the Nephite and all that fight against me as the Lamanite. But the more I try to make others the Lamanites, I realize that I love them and there is no comfort in making loved ones enemies. And the more I discover who I am, the more I see the Lamanite in me.
We ask God why things aren't fair, because things really aren't. They're completely unfair. I was hurt more than I deserved to be, I sacrificed more than I can bare, I just need a break.
The truth is is that the beauty of things is that they aren't fair. There is such beauty in the utter paradox between justice and mercy. The one man who's justice it was to attain earned salvation, is the only resurrected being with marks still on his hands.
Disappointment comes from one of two things. In all my moving and doing and trying, I'm either always falling short of my expectations. Or no matter how much I try to maneuver or strategize or manipulate a situation, it just won't work out the way I hope. And it's from these two sometimes irreconcilable disappointments that I can find comfort that God is not always fair. Where he should exercise justice, he gives me mercy. and the one situation where true justice would've ended without punishment, led to a beautiful gift of something whole, something complete, that helps heal the disparities in my life.
Kent F Richards said, "Sometimes in the depth of pain, we are tempted to ask, “Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?” 7 I testify the answer is yes, there is a physician. The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all these conditions and purposes of mortality."
Bruce C Hafen gave a beautiful devotional in 1979 called Love is not blind. In it he talks about ambiguity in life and the trouble we have in making sense of it. Some look through the lens of sugar coated idealism, and others through tarnished and rusted pessimism. In it he challenges students to see with their hearts and eyes wide open. To see all the dirty details that life offers yet be able to hope and dream for something bigger than we are.
I saw this on Postsecret with an email response below it.
-----Email Message-----
Many years ago, an older man that I trusted had inappropriate sexual contact with me. Twelve years of therapy and a suicide attempt later, and I still live with it every day.
A big part of me will forever be defined by the worst thing that ever happened to me.
----
Both situations seem irreconcilable. Both serious, tragic and bitter. I find solace that there can be reconciliation in these two opposing situations through the atonement. Christ's message of sacrifice and love as a means to heal, is one we can follow as well as be healed by.
There is very little wholeness between me and my family right now. As much as I've tried to forgive them and follow this gospel that I changed my life for, I still find myself harboring resentment and anger.
The forgiveness and love my family has showed me, however, often surprises me. They do so out of love, because I know they think joining the church was still wrong. I know they still feel bitter and disappointed in me.
I still have a lot of doing left in order to try to make things right with my family. I know it will take love and sacrifice, something that I'm trying to learn from Christ. There are also some things that I don't have control of, and I hope that I will be extended the mercy and love that the Atonement offers.
When I was confirmed in this church, my blessing said that my family will one day be whole again. Even when my faith in the church buckles, I still cling to that promise, hoping that through my own, some other power, or both, that some day that will be true.
No comments:
Post a Comment