Who I'm becoming

I'm a mormon. I honestly don't know if I always will be, but for the time being, that is part of who I am, and that's a good thing.

But beside that, I want to be a good person, and I hope that is something I will always hope to be. I decided once that I could no longer berate and beat myself up for not being the person I wanted to be, rather I needed to look at if I liked the person I was becoming. And it turns out that I think I do like the person I'm becoming, with adjustments happening all the time.

For the past few days, I've had a couple of interesting experiences that has made me ponder my motivations and my beliefs. As I've questioned my faith, I started letting my mind drift into the possibilities of what I could be doing. I could go out drinking, I could wear more appealing outfits, I could start lying. Some of these choices might not be so bad, some would definitely turn me into someone I'm not.

My faith is important to me. It gives me hope, it uplifts me, it leads me to introspection. In fact it was reading the scriptures tonight that led me to these musings. But, whether because I'm imperfect, smart, or human, my faith often fails me. While I don't deny the faith-building experiences I've had, I do wonder whether I'm still going in the right direction, still listening to the spirit, whatever that is.

And when my faith wavers, so too does the structure of rules and discipline start to shake. Nothing seems necessary anymore, I can go party, get what I want at whatever cost, and be the person that I sometimes think I want to be.

But I guess the obvious truth is that I really don't want to be that person.

I'm thankful for the word of wisdom because of the discipline it teaches me. I'm thankful for the scriptures because of the introspection it causes. I'm grateful for the law of chastity because I want my physical commitment to only go so far as my emotional commitment with someone.

And there is a measure of which I know I can't do things alone. Those lonely, despairing moments, where something clearly greater than myself, in an almost tangible fashion, lifts me up in a way I could not have done alone. Those times where you realize, there is more than humanity at work here. And it's probably true that I still have much to learn from these moments.

But it still remains that my faith often fails. And in these moments where I'm wondering what to do next, I simply must ask myself, who do I want to become?