Vulnerability

This video made me think a lot in terms of relationships and my spirituality.

She said that when we let ourselves be vulnerable, we can start feeling like we truly belong, and when we can start loving.

She mentioned in our attempt to feel invulnerable, we try to feel certain about things that weren't ever meant to be certain, like religion. I realize how true this is with me. I want to be certain about religion, about Mormonism, and about God because otherwise I leave myself so open to failure and hurt. I've wanted things to be certain. I wanted there to be a black and a white, a wrong and a right. And maybe there is some black and white, but less than I thought.

So is it alright to feel uncertain about religion? Maybe it is. We're taught a seeming contradiction, that we can find out the truth of things for ourselves. Yet we're told what the truth is, as if anything else we discover that contradicts that truth is wrong.

A friend argued with me on this point. He said rather than seeing it as a contradiction, he had to humble himself enough to realize that he couldn't understand everything and he was willing to trust that he would eventually understand. I really get that notion of not being so bigheaded to think that I can understand everything on my own. I get the idea of trusting a teacher because you know they will help you be a better person.

I guess I feel conflicted on two levels. One is that sometimes I'm afraid the God I trust does not necessarily only fit within the box we call Mormonism. Second, even if there is truth in something, does God want me to follow it if all I have learned so far is that that truth is wrong? Does God value my conscience?

I realize in this I can't be complacent. I have to actively learn and question. In a way I am picking and choosing what I believe, but not in a way where I'm choosing what's convenient to believe in. I'm choosing what I've actually learned about, what I actually believe, what I actually feel good about.

I'm willing to be wrong about this. But right now it doesn't feel wrong. I value the faith it takes to believe in something you don't completely understand, and I still feel like there is an extent to which that is necessary. But when you trust and trust without ever feeling right about it, when is it time to start going with your conscience? I heard a BYU professor say something to the effect that we expect people outside of the church to be willing to ask themselves what is truth? Be willing to drop their own beliefs if they found a greater truth. Do we believe the same is necessary for ourselves?

I guess on the other side of this same topic is this story.

I've been addressing this topic of faith and uncertainty over and over, and it's because I've had these seemingly contradictory experiences. Real spiritual moments where God comforted me and I was sure that I wasn't alone. Then these other moments where things just don't feel right, and it hurts trying to pretend that it does.

To be clear I dont see religion as just a placebo. I do think there's truth, something in me feels so right about God existing. But again I don't think things fit into neat little boxes, things are grey, and it's beautiful that way. For a while I couldn't cope with this contradiction. I couldn't see the beauty in grey when it applied to God, it doesn't make sense. But I guess I'm ok with that right now, I don't have to be certain. I'm ok feeling vulnerable about my belief. I believe in God, even if things don't make sense.