Immobility as a Means of Transportation

I just started reading Life of Pi. Pi speaks of a moment where we sees the Virgin Mary: "...I saw the Virgin Mary... She was wearing a white dress and a blue cloak; I remember being struck by their pleats and folds. When I say I saw her, I don't quite mean it literally, though she did have body and colour. I felt I saw her, a vision beyond vision. I stopped and squinted. She looked beautiful and supremely regal. She was smiling at me with loving kindess. After some seconds she left me. My heart beat with fear and joy. The presence of God is the finest of rewards." It's a beautiful moment, that comes after much religious thought and exploration. I couldn't help but think if someone told me this story I would doubt them. I would say it was something they made up or imagined. I would doubt whether they were all there perhaps. It's strange to feel so cynical. But I feel even my own spiritual experiences were born out of hope, out of the wanting to have spiritual experiences. I did have moments of intense spiritual comfort, which maybe I could attribute to some heavenly force. I think it's silly to completely deny that something greater than ourselves could exist. It seems right to think that there is a spiritual force linking all of us, providing some sort of reason and purpose to this life. But I also think it's silly to think that life could end and things would actually end. No conciousness, no after life, no judgement, no reward, nothing. It could happen. And because I think these two realities are possibilities, I've run everywhere and no where at the same time. One of Pi's role models is named Mr. Kumar who is an atheist, even though Pi himself is very religious. Pi says, "I felt a kinship with him. It was my first clue that atheists are my brothers and sisters of a different faith, and every word they speak speaks of faith. Like me, they go as far as the legs of reason will carry them--then they leap." Then Pi admits that it is agnostics that really bother him. He says that while doubt has its place, you doubt and then move on. "To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation." Is Pi, or Yann Martel, right in his assessment? Have I really chosen nothing at all? If I had to choose a side it would be a religious one. But doubt never seems to leave me. In fact it comforts me. Vulnerability is something I'm used to. It feels human. It feels honest. So I'll move on as if I've left my doubt behind, even though it's still beside me. It is faith that moves you forward and doubt that stops you. As Pi says, doubt has its place, but you do need to move on.

Inbetween

5 years ago this month I was baptized into the LDS church. I can still remember how hard it was to tell my parents that I wanted to.

Prop 8 was recently overturned. I helped to get it passed. I made phone calls. Some were nice people who thanked me for my effort. Some were angry at what I was doing. I didn't blame them. Yet now to hear that Prop 8 is overturned, I feel good, I feel happy. I'm not sure what to think sometimes since there is a superstitious/religiously paranoid part of me that is concerned. But overall I'm happy.

How I feel about this considering my past involvement seems telling of how I feel about where I stand. I feel profoundly inbetween.

I don't doubt that things may never return to normal with my family and I. And yet I don't feel completely part of this LDS family I latched onto these last few years.

Every time I have an opinion that differs from church leaders, Every time I tell someone I'm not getting married in the temple, Every time I hear something said over the pulpit that feels dead inside me.

Every time I tell a family member what they mean to me, Every time I talk to my family about my accomplishments, Every time I talk with my dad.

I feel profoundly inbetween.



But it's nice to have someone in limbo with me.

Somebody that I used to know

This song is beautiful. There was one time I really related with the lyrics. I felt like every relationship I invested in had to be preserved in some way. While I know that every relationship I've been in has contributed to my story and growth, I no longer feel like holding on. I think my desire to hold on always stemmed from the fear of losing something good. Little did I know that so much better things lay ahead of me. Holding on only decreased my ability to grab onto the future.

To all the somebody's I used to know: So long!

CDs

I still love buying CDs. It seems outdated, but there is something romantic, in both senses of the word, in having an actual CD. You have to listen to it over and over to really get to know it, and once you do, you can hear the next song before it even starts playing. Just like you can hear the words out of someone's mouth before they say it when you know them so well. And some find it annoying to hear the same songs in the same order. I find it intimate. And soon you start to uncover something you wouldn't just from listening to the individual songs. You uncover the unspoken story behind the songs. Why those songs were put together, why that album was given that title. It becomes a whole that most people don't see, because they haven't spent the time listening to every song over and over. It's kind of like love.

Book of Mormon musical

My friend posted this article on her facebook.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/post/amos-and-andy-and-the-book-of-mormon/2011/06/15/AGRlHPWH_blog.html

There was some disagreement on her wall about what was said in the article. Here's what I responded.

I listened to the songs and wholeheartedly agree with the article and feel grateful that someone would say this. The play is funny and does have some commentary that we as mormons would do good to correct in ourselves. Overall however, there is no commentary in the play that makes you think or question. It only leaves you with the message of 'what fools.' There are themes and questions that people both in and outside of religion all face that this musical absolutely failed to address, rather it widened the gap and misunderstanding between the two groups.

In john lennon's Imagine, it asks us to imagine a world without religion, what a peaceful world it would be. I say this too completely misses the mark. It is not religion, but rather difference that causes conflict. And you try to take away differences within people, you lose everything that's beautiful about life. This is the same failure the BoM musical makes. Rather than address how we try to cope with the differences that are bound to cause conflict, it demonized, it simplified, it stereotyped, it hated.

I'm learning more and more that things are not so certain, that things are a lot more grey, and beautiful because of it. It is clear that both the conservative religious as well as the audience of this musical would rather things be only black and white. For there only to be right and wrong, unable to deal with ambiguity. To fit things into neat little boxes where you are either evil or a saint. I cannot support this.

Vulnerability

This video made me think a lot in terms of relationships and my spirituality.

She said that when we let ourselves be vulnerable, we can start feeling like we truly belong, and when we can start loving.

She mentioned in our attempt to feel invulnerable, we try to feel certain about things that weren't ever meant to be certain, like religion. I realize how true this is with me. I want to be certain about religion, about Mormonism, and about God because otherwise I leave myself so open to failure and hurt. I've wanted things to be certain. I wanted there to be a black and a white, a wrong and a right. And maybe there is some black and white, but less than I thought.

So is it alright to feel uncertain about religion? Maybe it is. We're taught a seeming contradiction, that we can find out the truth of things for ourselves. Yet we're told what the truth is, as if anything else we discover that contradicts that truth is wrong.

A friend argued with me on this point. He said rather than seeing it as a contradiction, he had to humble himself enough to realize that he couldn't understand everything and he was willing to trust that he would eventually understand. I really get that notion of not being so bigheaded to think that I can understand everything on my own. I get the idea of trusting a teacher because you know they will help you be a better person.

I guess I feel conflicted on two levels. One is that sometimes I'm afraid the God I trust does not necessarily only fit within the box we call Mormonism. Second, even if there is truth in something, does God want me to follow it if all I have learned so far is that that truth is wrong? Does God value my conscience?

I realize in this I can't be complacent. I have to actively learn and question. In a way I am picking and choosing what I believe, but not in a way where I'm choosing what's convenient to believe in. I'm choosing what I've actually learned about, what I actually believe, what I actually feel good about.

I'm willing to be wrong about this. But right now it doesn't feel wrong. I value the faith it takes to believe in something you don't completely understand, and I still feel like there is an extent to which that is necessary. But when you trust and trust without ever feeling right about it, when is it time to start going with your conscience? I heard a BYU professor say something to the effect that we expect people outside of the church to be willing to ask themselves what is truth? Be willing to drop their own beliefs if they found a greater truth. Do we believe the same is necessary for ourselves?

I guess on the other side of this same topic is this story.

I've been addressing this topic of faith and uncertainty over and over, and it's because I've had these seemingly contradictory experiences. Real spiritual moments where God comforted me and I was sure that I wasn't alone. Then these other moments where things just don't feel right, and it hurts trying to pretend that it does.

To be clear I dont see religion as just a placebo. I do think there's truth, something in me feels so right about God existing. But again I don't think things fit into neat little boxes, things are grey, and it's beautiful that way. For a while I couldn't cope with this contradiction. I couldn't see the beauty in grey when it applied to God, it doesn't make sense. But I guess I'm ok with that right now, I don't have to be certain. I'm ok feeling vulnerable about my belief. I believe in God, even if things don't make sense.