Inbetween

5 years ago this month I was baptized into the LDS church. I can still remember how hard it was to tell my parents that I wanted to.

Prop 8 was recently overturned. I helped to get it passed. I made phone calls. Some were nice people who thanked me for my effort. Some were angry at what I was doing. I didn't blame them. Yet now to hear that Prop 8 is overturned, I feel good, I feel happy. I'm not sure what to think sometimes since there is a superstitious/religiously paranoid part of me that is concerned. But overall I'm happy.

How I feel about this considering my past involvement seems telling of how I feel about where I stand. I feel profoundly inbetween.

I don't doubt that things may never return to normal with my family and I. And yet I don't feel completely part of this LDS family I latched onto these last few years.

Every time I have an opinion that differs from church leaders, Every time I tell someone I'm not getting married in the temple, Every time I hear something said over the pulpit that feels dead inside me.

Every time I tell a family member what they mean to me, Every time I talk to my family about my accomplishments, Every time I talk with my dad.

I feel profoundly inbetween.



But it's nice to have someone in limbo with me.