Inbetween

5 years ago this month I was baptized into the LDS church. I can still remember how hard it was to tell my parents that I wanted to.

Prop 8 was recently overturned. I helped to get it passed. I made phone calls. Some were nice people who thanked me for my effort. Some were angry at what I was doing. I didn't blame them. Yet now to hear that Prop 8 is overturned, I feel good, I feel happy. I'm not sure what to think sometimes since there is a superstitious/religiously paranoid part of me that is concerned. But overall I'm happy.

How I feel about this considering my past involvement seems telling of how I feel about where I stand. I feel profoundly inbetween.

I don't doubt that things may never return to normal with my family and I. And yet I don't feel completely part of this LDS family I latched onto these last few years.

Every time I have an opinion that differs from church leaders, Every time I tell someone I'm not getting married in the temple, Every time I hear something said over the pulpit that feels dead inside me.

Every time I tell a family member what they mean to me, Every time I talk to my family about my accomplishments, Every time I talk with my dad.

I feel profoundly inbetween.



But it's nice to have someone in limbo with me.

Somebody that I used to know

This song is beautiful. There was one time I really related with the lyrics. I felt like every relationship I invested in had to be preserved in some way. While I know that every relationship I've been in has contributed to my story and growth, I no longer feel like holding on. I think my desire to hold on always stemmed from the fear of losing something good. Little did I know that so much better things lay ahead of me. Holding on only decreased my ability to grab onto the future.

To all the somebody's I used to know: So long!

CDs

I still love buying CDs. It seems outdated, but there is something romantic, in both senses of the word, in having an actual CD. You have to listen to it over and over to really get to know it, and once you do, you can hear the next song before it even starts playing. Just like you can hear the words out of someone's mouth before they say it when you know them so well. And some find it annoying to hear the same songs in the same order. I find it intimate. And soon you start to uncover something you wouldn't just from listening to the individual songs. You uncover the unspoken story behind the songs. Why those songs were put together, why that album was given that title. It becomes a whole that most people don't see, because they haven't spent the time listening to every song over and over. It's kind of like love.